The insecurities we have can make us lose it all

During my first NYC summer internship, I told someone that I was staying in Spanish Harlem with my grandmother over the summer, and the CEO’s assistant pulled me to the side and told me to start telling people I was staying in the Upper Eastside because it would give me a better look.

I was confused by her suggestion because Spanish Harlem was all I knew. My grandmother lived there for over 50 years, and it became the stepping stone for the members of my family who left South Carolina to start a new chapter for themselves in the Big Apple. Her two-bedroom project apartment was a right of passage. She’s not the first who warned me that my address would cause problems for me. Then I had my 8-month long job search, so I stopped putting my address on my application. I stopped checking female and black on applications. At work, when I felt isolated and watch the other minorities thrive with their lies, I started to see that sitting in my truth and being bold about my differences made people uncomfortable. The more you fit in, the easier it is to navigate spaces.

 

Our personal experiences can open doors for us, but the insecurity that comes with not having an “impressive background” that can’t compete with others is making people embellish their narratives for access. It’s not okay to be a fraud; authenticity has proven it can get you far.

 

This month, Forbes reported that Shannon Spanhake, co-founder of the $115 Million parental benefits startup company, Cleo, resigned. She resigned after she admitted to embellishing her education and age for a Forbes Next Billion-Dollar Startups list. Forbes reporters found other discrepancies in her resume, including job roles she held, graduation dates and fabrication of an award recognition that was never given to her. Even more upsetting about the report is that she was building a business to help empower companies with better employee benefits, but eliminated the work from home policies from her own business and expected employees to work 50 to 60 hour days. In a personal statement Spanhake shared, “While there are circumstances that contributed to my actions, largely born of insecurity, there is certainly no excuse. Further, several missteps have been made under my leadership with respect to Cleo’s culture—we strive to be the gold standard of employee support.”

 

 

What she did is wrong, but the bigger conversation is why we feel the need to fabricate our lives to get access, notoriety, and respect?

 

 

Fake it until you make it
The insecurity that Spanhake felt like the root of her lies is something many minorities face as they navigate spaces that were not created for us to succeed. Many minorities are told throughout our lives to be something we are not to get ahead. Think about how many times you’ve been told to fake it until you make it.  Our family and friends start with training our voice to sound a certain way in the presence of white people, then changing our names to make it easier for other people to pronounce. Next, it’s your hair, and later it’s fabricating your personal history of where you grew up, where you live and who you know. People tell you this out of love, but when you hear it all the time will you ever feel like who you are is good enough.

 

 

Dismantle cultural fit
When you are a minority, you have to adapt to someone’s culture; people often don’t make room for you to be yourself. So to fit into the culture, you pretend to be something you aren’t. For Spanhake that’s pretending to go to a more esteemed college. As today’s culture praises the success of young people, Spanhake felt the need to be younger than what she was, too. She thought by playing into what is trendy about founder/entrepreneurial culture would give her the buzz and edge she needs for attention. We need to start making space for people to be who they are. Embracing people’s differences will start dismantling the need to fit and readjust to make someone else comfortable.

 

 

Society makes some folks desperate to be seen
Spanhake is coming under fire for her lies, but there also needs to be a look at how American culture opens doors for people who have the pedigree of family legacies, wealth, Ivy-league education, summer homes, and cookie cutter lives. However, it also loves the “pick yourself up by the bootstraps” stories, too, that leave people who are in between desperate for some edge and validation. How can they be interesting and newsworthy if they don’t have a story to tell? You don’t need any extra spice with your narrative. It may take longer to get where you want to go, but integrity will go a long way.

 

It’s a shame that the insecurities we have can make us lose it all and sometimes win it all. However, that mindset is why Spanhake had to resign. It’s also why many of us are not accepting and living in our truths. For some, notoriety and respect is built on lies, but for the sake of integrity, let’s start sitting in our realities and make our hard work, and determination get us to the top.